Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Randomize
