As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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