No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
