I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Let the clothes fall where they may.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Randomize
