So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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