Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
