im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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