You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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