She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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