Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
