I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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