So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
