Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
