i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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