that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
