Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
