Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
