Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize