now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize