I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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