When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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