One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
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