happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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