I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
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