im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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