Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
