Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
false alarm. still invincible.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
