Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
