i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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