I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
