i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
