me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
