I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
