i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
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