i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
