she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
