I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
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