Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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