I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Randomize
