I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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