I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
