Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
