He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
