Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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