i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
