Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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