Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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