I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
