My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
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