i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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