Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
