Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
