Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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