i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
